Requiem
by kingsmeadroad
Summary: TV Prompt Challenge- Some real and true angst and tragedy.


**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Criminal Minds related. Characters are merely borrowed and will be put back later. ;)**

**A/N: This is... well, angsty. I'm not sure if it works, so let me know. :)**

**Title: Requiem**

**Prompt: Tell Your God to be Ready for Blood**

*******

"_He was my North, my South, my East and West,  
My working week and my Sunday rest,  
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;  
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong."_

***

She felt almost sedated. Homeless, dejected, lost-disenfranchised and forgotten.

And it had only been an hour since she had managed to pull herself out of bed. And even that she had only done because Morgan had stumbled into her bedroom having slept on her couch, and helped her up. He had not even tried to make small talk as she got ready; he had left her to deal with the beginnings of an eternal pain by herself. He knew from experience; she would talk when she was ready.

They left her apartment together, his arm laid across hers, propping her up at her elbow. Her hair was straight, her clothes perfect, her face an iron clad mask of utter devastation. Her cheeks were red from where she had rubbed her eyes into blurry dreams the night previously, her heart felt too heavy for her chest and long before she had reached the front door, her breathing had become shallow and obnoxious; she was terrified to step outside.

But Morgan pulled her with him. "Em, come on. Come on," he said, his eyes watering, "You wouldn't want him to think you didn't come." His voice wavered.

It was a cruel and undeniably cold thing to say. But she understood, and silently she moved on. She stepped outside with him, the sky reigning blue overheard, autumn leaves falling across the path. It was a beautiful day, russet gold lighting up the terraces as the sun shone down on her. She felt its powerful warmth on her face, and she softly closed her eyes, wet lashes sticking together for just a moment before she walked on again.

She sat softly into the limousine, but said nothing. JJ looked at her from across the way, tears streaming down her cheeks, and Garcia, tucked next to Reid, was sobbing quietly to herself, clasping Rossi's hand as he sat opposite her. Reid too was crying, trying his best to keep his emotions in check, and failing in his quest. Rossi was silent, holding Penelope's hand and looking dead ahead, his lower lip trembling every now and again as he sought release. Morgan sat next to JJ and pulled her close to him for a hug, stroking her shoulder and shushing into her hair gently.

But there was no reprieve from the pain they all felt. Emily didn't cry. She sat quietly on the other side of Reid, knowing that sometime in the near future she would be utterly inconsolable, forced to acknowledge that he was gone. As yet, she knew she hadn't faced it properly. She had cried, sure. For an hour, maybe two. But it wasn't the same. That gut wrenching pain she knew would come, had not yet darkened her door. But it would.

She barely noticed when the limousine pulled up at the graveyard. Rossi got out of his side of the car and walked around it, opening the door and supporting her as she got out. Again she noted the splintering sunlight streaming down on them, almost a reassurance that the world would move on. The greens and reds, golds and yellows of the season were laid out as she walked with Rossi through the cemetery. A light breeze shuffled through her hair and she sniffed quietly. The rest of the BAU followed behind Emily and Dave as they took their places next to the oak coffin.

She was still and quiet as the service was said. They had asked her if she wanted to say anything. She had refused. None of the team felt strong enough to say anything, but there was a duty to be done, and so Rossi stepped up, allowing Emily to stand alone for a few moments.

"I knew him for... a very long time," Dave started, clearing his throat. "There was, quite simply, no better man... He- he spent his life trying to make the world a better place. He had a most wonderful son. A son he loved so much... so very much..." Rossi tried to even out his breathing. Emily stepped from where she stood and grabbed his arm, smiling at him and willing him to continue.

"I'll miss him. We'll miss him," Dave said, and finished speaking, walking back to meet the team that had gathered around Emily, Derek mow with his arm across her shoulders, Penelope holding her hand, Reid like a sentry at her other side. They stood and watched as the service ended and people began to file away, passing condolences to the team, telling them what a great man Aaron Hotchner had been.

And then it was over. Finished. She would never again experience it. It was done.

She stood in the breeze of the midday Virginia air, feeling the leaves rustling around her, the trees carefully dancing in the autumn sun. She stood there for a long time, watching, just watching silently. Will eventually took JJ away, and Morgan went to drop Garcia home. Rossi walked Reid to the roadside where there was a car waiting.

"What about her?" Reid said of Emily.

"She needs time alone," Dave said softly.

***

"_No, Emily, there's no time!" he yelled, "Please, get out now, take Reid with you and go! I'll take him out; I'll get her out!"_

"_Aaron, we can-"_

"_You can't help," he said quietly to her, "Reid is the one who needs help. Bring him to a medic, he won't be able to walk. Help him, and I'll finish this."_

_She conceded defeat and kissed his cheek quickly before running back to get Reid and get out. She lifted Spencer from the floor, pressing her hand against the bleeding wound on his leg as they hobbled outside._

_She stepped outside the door and left Reid with the medic, before turning at the sound of gunshots and running back to the house, screaming, her voice burning in her ears as Morgan joined her side._

_They were too late._

***

Emily continued to stand there and watch for a long time. She could feel something rising inside of her, a black darkness that she had never, ever, felt before. She blinked and a single tear escaped her eye. And then another, and another. And finally, she stood in the cemetery, pain pouring out as she counted her losses. Aaron was dead; there was no way back. The wedding ring on her finger was the only sign that he had ever loved her.

She struggled for breath and sobs wrenched through her, moving her body into a place she had never been in. She felt unable to support herself, and fell to her knees, agony roaring through her as she tried, and failed, time and time again, to stand back up.

"Why?" she moaned, half to herself. "Why did you go in there? Why did you leave me behind? You swore..." she cried, "you swore that you would never leave me."

She got no answer. There was no redemption, no atonement as she crouched on the grass and cried, stinging tears coming in waves, torrents of salt suffering eking down her face. She clenched her fists and growled aloud, leaning over to press her head against the ground, her arms clasped across her hair as though to protect herself. She made the same sound again, a howl of hating grief pulling her to pieces inside.

"You swore!" she exclaimed suddenly, lifting her head and facing the world. "You swore that you would never leave me! And you did!! You left! You left me there on my own and you got yourself killed! I hate you for that!" she yelled, "I hate you!"

"But he loved you," came a voice nearby. She looked up, sighing out a few more tears, and saw that Rossi had returned.

"He loved you more than you could ever comprehend," he continued, tears falling down his own cheeks too. "And I know that you love him too. Otherwise it wouldn't hurt so."

She sighed again, an angry and punctuated sigh, and sat back on her heels, tears still falling miserably. Dave came to kneel next to her and pulled her head onto his shoulder.

"God," she sobbed," Dave, what am I going to do without him?"

"You're going to feel a hell of a lot more pain," Dave said softly. "But that's why I'm here. And it's why the others are here. We all loved him, that's definitely true. But he loved you more than anything on this Earth. You and Jack, you were his world. Emily," he said urgently, "he would never have forgiven himself if it was you who went in there. He would never have been able to live with himself."

"I know," she said softly. "I know."

But she nonetheless couldn't stop the tears from falling, the anger pouring out, her battered, torn, broken heart burning inside of her.

"I loved him," she said eventually, biting her lip, inconsolable, powerless to stop the waves of stretching, aggravating pain, "I loved him so much. I loved him so much..."

"No," Dave said quietly. "You love him."

"I love him," she confirmed, sobbing all over again and collapsing into his arms.

***

"_The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,  
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,  
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;  
For nothing now can ever come to any good."  
_

_W H Auden_

***


End file.
